A few years ago, I heard an interview with Jon Bon Jovi. He was discussing his son, Jake, who was newly engaged to Stranger Things actress, Millie Bobby Brown, at a pretty young age. The reporter asked Bon Jovi how he felt about them marrying so young. He replied that he was excited for them, saying that “…she and Jake will grow together, in their own way.”

As someone who also married young (I turned 21 just in time to legally drink champagne at my wedding), I appreciated this insight at the time. But that was a few years ago. I was reminded of it again recently, when my almost-17-year-old daughter and I were discussing dating and romance during the late high school/early college years.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I was engaged when I was only two years older than she is now.

I’ll be honest – that thought was terrifying at first. But for some reason, I heard those words in my mind: “They will grow together in their own way.” The terror dissipated as I realized: Yes. That is exactly what can happen. I know, because that’s what happened with me and my husband.

A Tale of Two Searchers

I met Peter when I was 19, in my second semester of college at a small Catholic university. I’d gained much more than the Freshman 15 in my first semester, mostly due to my smoking habits and lunch breaks at my place of employment, Coldstone Creamery. My lunch usually consisted of leftover broken waffle cones that weren’t fit to sell, combined with a scoop or two of sweet cream ice cream and some berries (which are healthy, after all).

By night, as soon as my homework was done, I rewarded myself with several Modelos, usually imbibed while smoking more cigarettes and discussing philosophy and theology with friends next to the pond at the golf course across the street. I won’t say how many Modelos, because my kids might be reading.

All this to say, my first semester of college wasn’t the most responsible or healthy. But although it may sound strange, this was a great time in my life. Somehow all these not-so-healthy activities, combined with a new exposure to books I’d never read and thoughts I’d never thought, led to an awakening of the question: What am I called to do with my life?

After three months and many twists and turns, I decided: I was going to be a missionary. I visited the Missionaries of Charity (the Mother Teresa sisters) multiple times and joined the discernment floor, which was a group of students who were considering joining a religious order. I was pretty settled on my new path. I even tried to quit smoking a few times and cut back on the Modelos.

And then, just as all my plans were falling into place, something happened. I met Peter.

In the movies, love at first sight always seems sparkly and bright and happy. For me it was a little different. It’s true that I was immediately drawn to my now-husband, and I was very happy when I spent time with him. But it was all slightly annoying because it contradicted my plan.

You see, I had everything figured out. I was on a path to being a missionary. But this guy kept popping up in my peripheral vision, and he always distracted me. I’d had crushes and dated guys before, but this one was different.

We would talk for hours, walking up and down the beach. We shared so much in common, but were different enough to keep things interesting. And perhaps most importantly, we were both searching: Searching for a path to fulfillment, a mission in life – ultimately, searching for love.

We met in January 2005, and we were engaged in September. And on July 28, 2007, we were married. But we were by no means grown up.

Marriage Is Growing Up

We all have to grow up. But those of us who marry young have an added task: We take a vow to grow up with this person. Depending how you look at it, that’s a huge challenge or a tremendous gift.

After our humble 18 years of marriage, I can say it’s both. There are growing pains. There are times you will feel your spouse is far away, or indifferent, or tired of you. You will feel alone, even though you were supposed to never feel alone because you’re married, after all! There will be sickness and financial challenges. Perhaps you will experience loss, and that will weigh on you like nothing before.

But then there are the times of unity and inexpressible happiness. You will feel at peace knowing you have your spouse by your side, no matter what. You will wonder how in the world you could ever be so happy, so in love after all these years. You will learn that people can change and still say the same. You will feel a deep well of gratitude for this person you just so happened to encounter and grow up with, and that will keep you going through the difficult moments.

Whether you have been married for one year or for fifty years, you will experience the burden and the gift of growing up with another person you have vowed to love for better or for worse. That is what marriage has been for us.

People Change and Stay the Same

You realize after being with the same person for so long that his or her depth is inexhaustible. You have to remind yourself of that, or else you run the risk of taking the other person for granted – or worse, the risk of growing apart and losing touch, with each other and with yourself.

One of my favorite things about being married from a young age is that I’ve been able to see different versions of my spouse through the years. And when I step back and think about it, I can see those changes in myself as well. Knowing and loving my spouse has allowed me to better know and love myself.

But it’s not all change and flux. Beneath all the change through the years is the stability of our love and commitment to each other, to the little family we are fostering.

As we grow old together, we can’t forget to stay young – to remain tapped into that original sense of daring and adventure that allowed us to say “I do” all those years ago, even though we were young and inexperienced with the ways of the world.

My 16-year-old daughter isn’t even thinking about marriage right now (as far as I know!). But what if, in a few years, she comes to us and tells us she’s fallen in love and wants to get married? What will we say? Or what if one of our other six children meet their match at a young age and want to marry young?

I’m sure the answer will be clear, just like it was for us almost eighteen years ago.

And if the answer is yes, I can’t wait for the chance to watch my child and his or her spouse grow up together, in their own way.