When adolescents and teenagers become overwhelmed by their emotions, it can be challenging to know how to respond.  Many well-meaning parents resist the urge to react emotionally and try to reason through the situation. Sometimes this works.

For example, following a line rational inquiry like the one below can be useful to certain circumstances and certain kids:

• Is the thing you are upset about actually a bad thing? 
• Is the thing you feel incredible excitement about actually good? 
• If so, is your emotional response proportionate to the goodness or the badness of the situation? 
• What level of control do you have in this scenario? 
• If there is nothing you can do to change the upsetting situation, is there some lesson that can be learned here?

But, in the majority of cases, this seemingly intelligent and loving coaching doesn’t have the effect we’re hoping for.  That’s because trying to solve emotional problems with a rational line of inquiry often fails to do justice to the nature of a healthy emotional life. 

Of course, what we want eventually is for a child’s emotions and reason to support one another and to be properly harmonized.  But rationalizing every emotional circumstance is not a meaningful path to reaching this goal.

Emotions Are Not Irrelevant

When we follow a rational line of inquiry in order to solve an emotional problem, what we are implicitly telling our children is that they are being irrational and, therefore, that their emotions are invalid.  But the problem our children are facing is not that they think they are being rational and are mistaken. In fact, they almost certainly are already aware that they’re being irrational.  Regardless of what they know, they are feeling something difficult. No amount of knowledge will change this.  When you tell them they are being irrational, the risk is that you also inadvertently communicate that their emotions are wrong.  

Perhaps their emotions don’t appear to be appropriate to the given scenario.  But of course, their emotions may not just be responding to that explicit situation.  They may be caused by something else, a greater narrative. Or they could be related to hormones, or pent-up frustration.  

Emotions aren’t a logical response that correspond to a given reality in the way that reason is.  Emotions are an emotional response and, for this reason, logic is frequently ineffective for diffusing them.  If an idea or reason does work, it may only be because it stimulates a counteracting emotion.  When you tell a child their emotion is wrong, they suppress that emotion and begin to distance themselves from it, rather than facing it.  

Our goal should never be to eradicate the emotional for the sake of the rational, but rather to cultivate an integrated, whole person who is able to cope with his or her emotions.  The goal is for them to have a healthy relationship with their emotions.  To not be driven by the sheer force of emotional content that they are experiencing.   We want them to be able to step back, show their emotions respect, and retain some sovereignty over them.

So, if a logical conversation is often not the appropriate response to an emotionally charged teenager, what is?  Reacting with our own emotional load is clearly not helpful.  Here are some things we try to keep in mind when navigating these situations:

1. Listen

Have you ever had a meeting with someone in which you say virtually nothing and at the end of the conversation they tell you how amazing the conversation was and how much it helped them?  While it may be tempting to be critical and to point out that a conversation takes two, in many instances this would be to ignore the powerful diffusive character of expression.  

Simply expressing a challenge or an issue can often be enough to assuage the emotional content of a given situation. As a person describes what they are experiencing, they may come to the conclusions that you would want them to without you ever saying anything.  And no matter how much you may want to get credit for being right, it’s always more powerful for a child to come to the right conclusions on their own. Listen attentively. Children know when you are not fully engaged with them, and your attention needs to be authentic.

2. Demonstrate that you have listened

After you have heard your child out, it’s important to demonstrate you weren’t zoning out but that you actually listened to them. Take care here not to push them to admit something or try to manipulate them to arrive at some conclusion about what they said through your tone of voice or interpretation.  Very simply and with great generosity, simply repeat to them what they said, in the best possible light.  By offering them back what they have shared in its most generous interpretation, you are providing them with love and understanding, and they will recognize this immediately.  This may also help decide the contours of how they understand their own feelings. In many cases there is no need to do more.

You might say, “This is what I heard you saying,” and then repeat back to them,  in an even and respectful manner, what they have shared. Then ask, “Did I get that right?” Usually they will respond, “Yes!” and be happy with that.   Sometimes they will want to add something or simply repeat themselves, and then the process begins again.  For as many times as it takes, always demonstrate you heard them.  

3. Invite them to self witness   

When a child is truly wrestling with a strong emotion it can be useful to invite them to step outside of themselves and look at the situation from a third person perspective.  This, of course, is easier said than done.  What has worked best for me is to ask them, “If a friend came to you and shared this challenge with you, what advice would you give them?” 

The child is being asked to consider the situation from a perspective of authority. They love their friend and want what is best for them, even if this might mean some tough coaching.  This is exactly the sort of relationship we want them to have with themselves.  Giving them a forum in which they can play this role allows them to come to the right conclusions on their own, which is the best scenario.

4. Direct if needed

It is best for a child to arrive at the right conclusions on their own.  But of course, there are situations in which they need to be directly told that they are off track.  For instance, there may be scenarios where they are asking for something you cannot give them or extreme situations where they have made up their minds to follow a course that is damaging or harmful.  

Everything we do is out of love for our child, and it is precisely because we love them that we must challenge them and hold them accountable.  But it is important that our love and our accountability be clearly expressed. “I understand how upset you feel, and I can see how important this is to you. I love you, so I can’t let you do that.  That is the wrong course of action and it’s not going to make you happy.”

The Power of Trust

Any time we take an ideological stance on parenting we are missing the mark. In any situation, it is important to remember that our goal is not to prove we are right.  The goal is to work with our child in such a way that, over the long term, they learn to develop self-sovereignty and an ability to manage strong emotions on their own, while also having the humility and trust to ask for help should they need it. 

Every child will feel dark or difficult emotions. This is not wrong. In fact, it is necessary for them to go through this process as they come into their own as a young man or as a young woman.  These are cathartic instances, emotional growing pains, and as parents it helps to take a breath, step back, and see them for the potentially transformative opportunities they are.