…the modern world has in every other way fallen more and more into routine. The essence of real ritual is that a man does something because it signifies something; it may be stiff or slow or ceremonial in form; that depends on the nature of the artistic form that is used. But he does it because it is significant. It is the essence of routine that he does it because it is insignificant. -GK Chesterton

Ever since our first year as a married couple over seventeen years ago, living in Belgium with limited means, my husband and I have worked to establish family rituals and traditions.

I was thinking back to our first Christmas together recently and telling the kids some of my favorite memories from that year:

• My husband walking two miles into town to get a real Christmas tree and carrying it all the way back to our cozy apartment with the help of a friend.
• Decorating our tree on Christmas Eve – this was a tradition my husband had in his family. (I might have been opposed the idea at first, but it’s grown on me through the years and is now one of my favorites).
• Spending all our time (and money) preparing our Christmas dinner feast, including an amazing yule log cake that Peter painstakingly decorated. Eating beans and rice the rest of the week.
• Going to my first midnight Mass.

Through the years we’ve added more traditions, particularly during Advent. Some of them have stuck, while others have failed to make tradition status and remained mere experiments. But the one thing that has always remained is this constant search for a set of family rituals to pass on to our children and, hopefully, generations to come after them.

I’m not sure why we’ve always desired to live in this way, but I am inclined to believe it’s not just us. Human beings desire stability. Numerous studies suggest a correlation between mental health and routine (see here, here, and here for cases in point). Our own lived experience as parents confirms that kids always feel better when they know the plan.

But routine in and of itself isn’t enough. Ritual goes a step further and ties that routine to a meaning, a deeper reality. Ritual, truly understood and lived, is not simply “the way we do things around here.” The “why” is what matters. It’s what keeps the ritual from disappearing into a deep pool of empty routines that don’t have the gravity to take hold in our hearts.

How to Start New Family Traditions

The world will never starve for want of wonders; but only for want of wonder. –GK Chesterton

For various reasons, many of us don’t have a lot of family traditions to carry on. This can make it feel impossible to establish a family ritual or tradition. After all, isn’t a ritual, by definition, something that is being continued from before? How do you start a tradition? Isn’t that a contradiction?

Through our married life, we’ve grappled with this question, but ultimately we decided that yes, it is possible (and important) to both carry on meaningful traditions and establish new ones. Although we did carry on some traditions from our childhoods, a lot of them are new.

So what makes a ritual “stick”? Your own effort and dedication of course, but I’ve noticed there are three qualities all our most deeply loved family traditions share:

1. Simple: The best traditions are the ones that will be easy to carry on. For example, if you decide you want to make a certain recipe for a holiday, will you be able to stick to it if that holiday falls on a busy weeknight? Will you be able to accomplish your traditions in times of financial stress? When you’re trying to start a new tradition, be brutally honest about whether or not you will complete it in years to come.
2. Seasonal: Traditions that are rooted in the natural seasons (or, if you are religious, the liturgical year) are more likely to take hold and stick around. The regularity of the seasons is cyclical and tied to patterns, which makes it a great foundation for family traditions.
3. Meaningful: Most importantly, a family ritual must be grounded in wonder that springs from a deep sense of meaning. Our kids always like to know the “why” behind traditions. Waiting until Christmas Eve to decorate our tree probably wouldn’t be a popular ritual if it were presented as “just the way we do it,” but placed in a bigger, more meaningful context, it has become a cherished tradition. Always be prepared to explain the meaning of a tradition to your child. Without meaning, it’s just an empty practice.

Ritual Matters

Early in our married life I used to wonder, will our kids remember and carry these traditions with them? Does all this effort really matter?

I don’t wonder that any more, because every year it becomes clearer that yes, traditions and rituals matter. Our family would not be the family it is without them. And while I can’t predict what the future holds, it is beautiful to see our children continue them already, in our own home.

The word tradition comes from the word tradere, to deliver or hand over. I’ve realized through the years that passing on a family ritual is less like passing a baton and more like handing down a page from the family recipe book, crinkled with age and full of notes and additions that make the end result even better.

Traditions are golden moments when it all comes full circle, and I get a glimpse of what life has in store for us as parents. To watch our children carry our family traditions on, in their own way, and to add more to the mix. Yes, it’s good for the kids – but also, and maybe even more, for us, the parents.