Recently I was reflecting on what facts I remember from elementary school.  Like 99% of people, the answer was a very round number: 0.  Isn’t that strange? All told, I think most of us would admit that while an incredible amount of money, effort, and time were invested in our education, what most of us have retained is, well, essentially nil.

This isn’t to say that we didn’t grow in certain skills or that, perhaps on a deeper level, we did not receive important, even necessary building blocks to whatever success we’ve enjoyed throughout life.  And there are things that do remain, inevitably, for better or for worse, in our memories. 

For example, I remember Mrs. Carroll, my high school World Cultures teacher.  I remember the tight hug she gave me after our school play. 

I remember my friend Patrick and the gift he gave me right after he enlisted in the Army. 

I remember people. 

What we remember most are relationships. We remember stories.  And to the extent that we do in fact remember a book or a lesson, it’s almost certainly because that moment in the curriculum was brought to life for us, that the book or experiment took on a kind of personality we could have a relationship with and befriend.

You Become What You Behold

There is an ancient saying: You become what you behold.  I find a strange, simple power to this claim.   Etymologically, the word “behold” has a stronger sense than “to see”.  “Behold” suggests that which we hold onto, protect, or preserve.  In other words, we become what we encounter and in turn carry with us throughout our lives. 

What do you behold?  What do you carry with you, for better or for worse, throughout your life? 

When we think back to our childhood we remember, before anything else, people. We remember friendships, community, narratives. And perhaps most powerfully, we remember our parents.

Parents are often referred to as the primary educators of children. The ramifications of this are tremendous.  We are not the primary educators of our children because we have some sort of right to be.  We are not the primary educators of our children because we get to choose what social, political, or religious perspectives we want our kids to take on.  

We are the primary educators of our children insofar as we are ourselves the living lessons our children will carry with them throughout the rest of their lives.

All of this means that parenting is an incredible calling.  If, as parents and primary educators of our children, we are ourselves the living lesson for our children, they will carry the formation of this lesson with them throughout the rest of their lives. This means we are called to be the highest expressions of ourselves. 

There are few things that demand growth so directly (and painfully) as parenthood. We must put aside our ego, our vanity, our fear, our need to be the protagonist in our own lives. Have we taken on this mantle? 

Of course, sometimes we are successful and sometimes we fail. When the latter happens, as it inevitably will, it helps to step back and ask the following question:

Is there a tension between my needs and my child’s needs?

When we are young, we naturally see ourselves as the protagonists of our lives. Popular culture, with its individualistic gravity, emphasizes this perspective.  Having a child challenges this first-person point of reference.  Now there is a tension: Are we still the protagonists of our own destiny?  Or has something unexpectedly been given over to something larger than ourselves?

I am willing to bet that most new parents struggle with these questions and how to adjust to this new paradigm in their lives. What does it mean to have a child, and what room is left for me in the face of my love for them?

The Battle Between Priorities

The common advice out there seems to settle into the paradigm of priorities.  You can put yourself first, or you can put your children first. Let’s explore these possibilities:

1. The Parent-Focused Family
Sometimes our tendency is to believe that the adult world is the real world.  In this lens, children should not interfere in a parents’ individuality or require modifications of adult pursuits.  Of course these parents love their children, but the child becomes secondary. 

Although It is unlikely that anyone would be willing to admit this, in this frame of thinking, children end up becoming an accessory to a series of lifestyle choices or even a form of property.  It’s no surprise that this sort of approach can lead to classic types of dysfunction amongst children.

2. The Child-Focused Family
On the other hand, with greater frequency today, many parents are prioritizing their children.  To many this seems like the obvious ethical position.  Of course parents should prioritize their kids!  The heroic parents are self-sacrificing and put their children first in every way.

But funny enough, when parents  prioritize their children and try to meet their every need, what often results is the infantilization of children, a suppressive behavior by the parents and, ultimately, an unsustainable set of relationships. 

Resolving the Tension

Did you know that it is only very recently that the word “priority” took on a plural form?  In the original sense of the word, you could never have more than one priority.  And in fact, no matter how we might try, we either have one priority, or we live in confusion.

In truth, many of us opt for both the parent-focused and child-focused approaches described above simultaneously.  When we don’t hit the mark or find the mean between extremes, we usually adopt the contradiction of both extremes simultaneously. 

We may, for instance, have all sorts of adult ideas about how to give our children everything that they need.  It can be frustrating when these ideologies, systems, or methods do not seem to stick with our kids and even appear to alienate them.  For example, we may have fears and anxieties around keeping our children safe and, out of these feelings that we confuse with love, become hyper-tense and reactive to anything that even begins to suggest an imagined risk to our child.  But ultimately, our response isn’t about our children, but about our own unresolved insecurities and sense that we are not in control. 

Whether we opt for the child-focused family or the parent-focused approach, there is a common assumption down either of these paths: We think that the interest of the parents and the interest of the child are in tension and that we have to create an economy that prioritizes either the one side or the other of this relationship. 

But a family is not an economic relationship. 

A child needs parents, and parents need children.  The matrix they form is the fundamental substrate of humanity: the tribe, the community.

Family-Focused Family: The Tribe

Being formed as a person is about being introduced to a world.  Children learn so much more from simply being with their parents, seeing what they do, and participating in their conversation than any other formation we might try to offer them. 

Children need to see what a good man looks like, what a good woman looks like.  They need to go on adventures with their tribe.

Parents need to make sacrifices and learn to transcend themselves as they seek to be the best parents imaginable. 

Children need the love of their parents to be the foundation of every other experience they will have in this life. 

Closing Thoughts

As parents we have an opportunity to fully give of ourselves, to serve those around us, and to have a deeper, less self-centered reason to be the best versions of ourselves. Living in a familial culture provides the strengths and wisdom of the whole community. 

There’s a need for nuance and even the embrace of paradox when trying to sort out these questions.  On the one hand, you will never be ready to be a parent.  Only by parenting can you become a good parent. On the other hand, you must also be someone in order to give your children what they need.  You can’t give what you don’t have. All of these things are true at the same time.

Sometimes we’re tempted to believe that what we need in life is something other than what is right in front of us. As a spouse and parent, that means first and foremost our spouse and children. But everything we need is already here.

As parents, being the primary educators for our kids means we need to be present to our children – physically, spiritually, emotionally. We need to be authentic with them. It’s not us versus them, or them versus us.

We need to look them in the eyes and invite them into our familial, tribal world.